Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
