I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
