I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
