I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
