So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
