Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
