I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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