My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
