i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
