Christians are straight up FREAKS
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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