True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
