There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
