there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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