Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
