My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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