There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
