Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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