just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
