i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
