i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
