As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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