Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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