I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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