He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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