she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm getting married
To pizza
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
