it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
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I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy