You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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