dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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