Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
