Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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