My liver just broke up with me...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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