I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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