Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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