So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I love having hate sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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