Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
