I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
