I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
