I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
