i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
