ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
