My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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