In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
