OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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