dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
