I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
