I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
