Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
