Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
