tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George