"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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