wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
