He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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