not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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