i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
