when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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