There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
