I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
