Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
