I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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