i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
